Tag: sadness

Her.

You said you wanted me. You said I was the one. You said that you were mine. That we were meant to me. You were so grateful, so thankful. You made me feel. 

Feel for you. Feel happiness because of you. Feel joy. Excitement. You made me feel beautiful and wanted and hopeful.

Hopeful that you and I were meant to be. Hopeful that we would be together forever.

You lied to me. 

Because you wanted her. 

She is the one. 

Not me. 

Piece. 

There is a piece of my heart missing. I left it behind. I left it with the one person that I cherish the most.  My brother. 

I went on a two week vacation to visit my family.  I stayed with my sister for the majority of it because my neice is two and I had never gotten to meet her so I wanted to be with her as long as possible. I love my sister and her huge family but my brother is always number one. When I said goodbye to her, I was sad but not brokenhearted. However, the meer thought of saying goodbye to my brother brought me to tears. I went to his house and was able to hold the tears in and enjoy breakfast he cooked. He walked me outside and hugged me and I feel apart. I sobbed in his arms for so long while he whispered nice things to me.  It did not help. I sobbed harder. I couldn’t let him go.  I did not want to leave. He told me that he was proud of me,  that I was always on his mind and that I would always have a home with him. He wiped my tears away and promised one day we would live closer. I didn’t stop crying.  I got into my car and cried while driving. Even now as I wrote this I cry. I live 10.driving hours away from the only person I ever felt love from.  Ten hours away from the man who would bend over backwards for me. My one supportive family member is far away. He knows my living situation and it kills him.  I know his rough life and it kills me.  I left a piece of myself with him. My brother saved my life. He made sure I survived and now I am too far away to show him every day how grateful I am. 

2017

​For all of you that brought in the new year with depression, chronic illness both mental and physical, or an unhappy living situation, know this. I am praying for you.  I pray that you find the will to live one more day.  That every sunrise brings you peace and that you never wish that that sunset was your last. I pray that you find someone, a friend, a lover,  anyone who understands you and doesn’t judge you. I pray that this person walks beside you through 2017 and makes the rock bottom days a little bit easier to handle. Most of all I pray that you see this and realize that someone does care and that this someone has a heart that aches for you. I want this year to be the year we care for each other because if we don’t then we will all suffer. God bless you all.

Satisfaction. 

I can not find satisfaction.  Not in anything. Not in my decisions. Not in my life.  I have chosen for myself,  yet all I feel is lost. A moment of happiness  flutters by like a butterfly.  Here one moment and gone in the wind.  Like a magic moment that is difficult to believe in. 

Why do I go up so high, only to fall to despair so quickly.  One day to the next, emotions raw and heart broken. Will I ever be satisfied,  or will my heart continue to bleed a million sorrows. 

I have made my life,  why am I not satisfied?  I need not crave more and yet I still do.  When will I find peace and happiness?  When I finally have my own family?  When I see my kids grown? Will my last breath be a sigh of peace and happiness or full of regret and wishes?  Why must my mind be so negative,  unable to transmit happy thoughts.  I am destined to be without satisfaction because that’s all my mind can see.  One day I will try to fix this problem within me. 

Birthday update. 

Just watch the fire of disaster burn fast and fierce. 

It started out great.  Got up for work,  still not feeling well and having trouble walking because of extremely swollen ankles due to a medical condition but I was in a decent mood and ready for my day. I received two cards signed by both children I take care of and adults who know me.  A couple of presents,  a home made cake,  and some much needed attention. 

Took a small break for lunch and to pick up a dog that I am caring for. Everything was going fine till the two kids I was watching saw the dog.  I told them to leave her alone and eventually they did. The little one came back and I saw no harm in letting her pet the dog,  she hugged the dog and then squeezed and the dog snapped.  Nipped her little baby cheek and instantly she burst into tears.  Looking at it now with grateful emotions because it was just a small mark but I sobbed for hours afterwards because I thought I was going to lose my job for allowing something like this to happen. I almost threw up from the stress and for next few days will have to deal with my bosses about the situation.  thankfully, I still have my job and the mother was not unreasonable. 

Today was a failure.  20 started off negatively but I’ll just look ahead and maybe one day this will all be forgotten but I doubt it because I have replayed it in my head and will do it every time I see that family. 

20. 07/24/16

Today I turned 20. Well technically I don’t turn twenty until 3 something in the morning and it’s only midnight but shhhh. 

My plans for this milestone? My celebration of finally leaving my “teen” years behind? I work. I get up. I get dressed and I work with a quick break for lunch. My one celebration was going to be a family dinner,  which I cannot attend because I’m picking up my brother from the airport. Instead of enjoying my day and feeling like a princess, I am stressed and unhappy.  I am moving back home and feeling like a failure because I cannot afford rent. I am painting a classroom which has taken more time than I thought and leaves me so exhausted at night that I still don’t regain my energy when I wake up. My health is deteriorating slowly but surely as usual when I don’t get any down time. I know I’m only 20 but I’m not where I imagined I would be.  I have no relationship, I have no potentional success. All I have is my work. Do not get my wrong.  I love my job but I thought I would have a bit more in it at this point. I cry tonight. For no other reason than pitying myself. Tomorrow I will wake up,  I will put on a smile and I will act like it doesn’t kill me to not feel special on my special day.  From the mouth of a truly mean person in regards to me working on my birthday, ” you’ll [I’ll] be fine.” 

Chance.

We met by chance. A new years party between neighbors. I came with my family and you were friends with the hosts so by chance we we’re both there. You caught me staring several times but I couldn’t look away. Your smile was mesmerizing as were the songs you sang. You walked me home and I was too scared to ask for your number and you walked away. Months went by and I saw your truck several times but never took a chance. Finally, I found you again. We spoke, exchanged number and talked every day. I thought that it was possible that we could be together. I didn’t realize, you were still married. I thought you were already divorced.  I knew you had been married. I didn’t know it was the second time. I knew you had a kid but that didn’t stop me from wanting you. I thought I had a chance. I thought I felt a connection. But you are still dealing with hard times, no room for more. To be with a married man, is not my dream. To be married to a man is. How long will I wait? Can I wait? Should I wait? I felt the connection but it is worth taking a chance? Never over stepping the bounds of friendship until you are a legally single man. Will you ever open your heart again and take a chance on me? Or will my destiny lead me to someone else? At least I took a chance.

Hope.

I am not known to date. I am almost 20 and I’ve had 2 boyfriends, each relationship lasting less than a month. Let us just call it bad taste.

My last relationship was one that I loved. I was happy. I shined brighter. The people around me noticed, however, some did not like it. From the moment that I publicly announced my relationship, people began to butt into my life. They all said similar things about how I was too good for him. He wasn’t a good guy. He wasn’t worth my time. He was not perfect but I didn’t need him to be perfect, I cared about him just the way he was. I got scared. I listened to the negativety that came spewing at me. The ridicule, the judgement, the sideways glances, the whispered tones when I walked by. I would love to say it didn’t bother me but it did. I hated the attention. I wanted peace. I became angry, judgmental and took it out on him. Then his true colors showed and I broke it off. There is much more to that and maybe one day I’ll tell you but for now let’s keep going.
For a year after we broke up, I was the brunt of the joke. People would talk about me to their friends and when their friends would meet me they would say, oh that’s the girlfriend. I was constantly bombarded with facts about him and listened to his so called friends talk shit about him. It didn’t help that he shared extremely personal messages with everyone. Nothing I said was a secret. I am not talking explicit but more of a personal type of thing. Needless to say it was difficult. We fought and the next day more ridicule because he would tell everyone. This continued for a year because I still cared for him and could not move on. My thoughts were of him all the time. But I moved on with substantial damage to my mental health.

Instead of being the girl who was ready for marriage and wanted love and a man. I became a man hater. I wanted nothing to do with men. He ruined my dreams of being a wife and a bride. I had my hopes crushed and I couldn’t forget everything that happened. I never dated and I have the misfortune of being the girl who attracted the wrong type of man online. I was never approached in public unless by a much older man or a creepy young guy. My options we’re limited. Then I met him.

This is not some love at first site thing. I don’t love him, I barely know him, but my soul was at peace when I met him. He wanted to meet for dinner and I had to cancel but instead of getting upset, he simple scheduled something else for a time when I was available. It was a wonderful first date. No awkwardness, we connected, we talked for hours and the only thing he did was kiss me goodnight. He was adamant about a second date and I was eager. We met and it was wonderful. I felt at ease. I felt a passion and a closeness to him. He seemed to feel the same way. It was only two days and he stopped replying. No, I didn’t bombard him with messages. No, I didn’t stalk him. No, I didn’t say anything that would cause him to leave. But he still disappeared.  It hurts because he gave me hope that I could move on from a difficult situation. I felt like I had finally closed the chapter on a rough year. He made dating seem so easy. So wonderful, so sweet. I thought I could just enjoy dating and we could take it slow but apparently two days with me was enough. My soul is broken from before and the wounds that were healing are broken again. I lost hope that dating was enjoyable. I’m not the I love him after the first date type but I am the you make my anxiety disappear and that makes me happy type. Regardless of anything I’m trying to stay strong. I will try to keep an open mind about dating but I wish they would not give me hope and make me believe that they liked me. My advice to you is be sincere, you never know what someone is going through.

Help.

I watched her grab a nail file and rub it on her face, her efforts to remove a mark on her face that was bothering her because she was  constantly picking at it. (She wasn’t in harms way, I had a very close eye on her) She also brushed her face in attempts to groom herself in some manner which I did not understand. She searched and searched and opened drawers and just looked at everything and searched for something. I finally asked her what she needed. It was a toothbrush, a toothbrush that was directly in front of her. I  gave it to her and she went to work again, brushing her teeth. She started again with the searching. She found a tube of lipstick but decided it wasn’t for her. She found lip gloss and applied it to her lips. Not once did she ask for help. Her mind no longer understands what a quarter sleeve is which she proves by anxiously pulling at her sleeves in an attempt to elongate them. Her confusion is constant, when I watch her I do not understand and I realize neither does she. Her world is deteriorating every day.

All I can do is watch. I try not to hover. She does not deserve to be limited by my worries. She deserves a chance to try her hand at tasks. I help her after she has a chance to try. I cry with her, I cry for her. I feel her pain but I can not help. I can only stand to the side and watch her take this journey. A journey that does not end with life but with death. Her mind will leave and so will she.

Dementia destroys something I can not heal. I am only a caregiver.

Clinging.

When you come home and see your family, the first thing you say goodbye to is the nanny. Your focus is your family, seeing them, talking to them and caring for them. To you the nanny is a separate entity, almost a robot, who comes and goes whenever you please. She is an object, emotionless and only there to follow your orders and to watch over your children until you come home and actually care and love for your own. What you don’t know nor care to know, is what the nanny feels.

When you see me and I speak, I am jittery. A nervous energy which you as a boss think is my physical display of wanting to leave. It isn’t. I talk to much not because I’m hoping I get off of work early but because I’m hoping you will ask me how I feel. I leave you to your family and in my mind I repeat the words, “ask me to stay.” I am a person. I need more. I deserve to be treated like a human.

If you bothered to look, you would see the longing in my eyes to be apart of something. I am one person. I go home alone and there is no one there to greet me.

If we were strangers then I wouldn’t feel this way. But you dare call me friend, you dare call me family and when it comes down to it, you treat me like a stranger. You turn from me when my duty to you is through. The only acknowledgement I get is when I have not satisfied you or when you have a chance to judge me for a mistake I made. You turn a blind eye to my quest for help in life. I don’t want your money. I want your true friendship. I want to be treated like you treat the others. You have placed me in a position that is below your own in order to ease your conscience.

When you call me for work but I can not give you what you want, you race to get off the phone. Knowing more about me ruins the image of a perfect slave. You feel angry because your slave is unavailable. You know I would bend over backwards to please you but because I can not do what you want every time, you push me away.

You do no satisfy me. I crave your attention. I want to be seen. I need to be accepted. I draw attention to myself. I am not a robot. I love your family as much as you do. They are mine.  I am theirs. I would do my job for free if I could. I don’t want money. I want to be a part of something. Don’t throw me away because I couldn’t meet your needs. The slightest pressure will make me bend to your will despite the need for rest. I ignore my needs for yours. I care for you.  I am a nanny. I am not a robot.