It was all my fault. I unbuckled him and then like a fool, I turned my back and was distracted. He fell out of my SUV. He landed and I freaked out. He was sobbing. I checked him all over and he seemed to be fine. But he was not. It was all my fault. I ignored his pain. I had checked over and over but he seemed okay. I was wrong. He broke his arm. It was all my fault for not being careful. They hate me now. I failed my job. I did not keep him safe. I did not make sure he was okay. I hurt him. I neglected his needs. I ignored the signs. I hurt him. I should have stayed by his side and been the one sitting next to his father waiting for the results. It is not okay. How will they ever trust me again. I am supposed to be a stress relief instead. Every time they think of their child with me, they will worry. I failed. It is my fault. I do not deserve to feel good. It is not okay.
Just watch the fire of disaster burn fast and fierce.
It started out great. Got up for work, still not feeling well and having trouble walking because of extremely swollen ankles due to a medical condition but I was in a decent mood and ready for my day. I received two cards signed by both children I take care of and adults who know me. A couple of presents, a home made cake, and some much needed attention.
Took a small break for lunch and to pick up a dog that I am caring for. Everything was going fine till the two kids I was watching saw the dog. I told them to leave her alone and eventually they did. The little one came back and I saw no harm in letting her pet the dog, she hugged the dog and then squeezed and the dog snapped. Nipped her little baby cheek and instantly she burst into tears. Looking at it now with grateful emotions because it was just a small mark but I sobbed for hours afterwards because I thought I was going to lose my job for allowing something like this to happen. I almost threw up from the stress and for next few days will have to deal with my bosses about the situation. thankfully, I still have my job and the mother was not unreasonable.
Today was a failure. 20 started off negatively but I’ll just look ahead and maybe one day this will all be forgotten but I doubt it because I have replayed it in my head and will do it every time I see that family.
When you come home and see your family, the first thing you say goodbye to is the nanny. Your focus is your family, seeing them, talking to them and caring for them. To you the nanny is a separate entity, almost a robot, who comes and goes whenever you please. She is an object, emotionless and only there to follow your orders and to watch over your children until you come home and actually care and love for your own. What you don’t know nor care to know, is what the nanny feels.
When you see me and I speak, I am jittery. A nervous energy which you as a boss think is my physical display of wanting to leave. It isn’t. I talk to much not because I’m hoping I get off of work early but because I’m hoping you will ask me how I feel. I leave you to your family and in my mind I repeat the words, “ask me to stay.” I am a person. I need more. I deserve to be treated like a human.
If you bothered to look, you would see the longing in my eyes to be apart of something. I am one person. I go home alone and there is no one there to greet me.
If we were strangers then I wouldn’t feel this way. But you dare call me friend, you dare call me family and when it comes down to it, you treat me like a stranger. You turn from me when my duty to you is through. The only acknowledgement I get is when I have not satisfied you or when you have a chance to judge me for a mistake I made. You turn a blind eye to my quest for help in life. I don’t want your money. I want your true friendship. I want to be treated like you treat the others. You have placed me in a position that is below your own in order to ease your conscience.
When you call me for work but I can not give you what you want, you race to get off the phone. Knowing more about me ruins the image of a perfect slave. You feel angry because your slave is unavailable. You know I would bend over backwards to please you but because I can not do what you want every time, you push me away.
You do no satisfy me. I crave your attention. I want to be seen. I need to be accepted. I draw attention to myself. I am not a robot. I love your family as much as you do. They are mine. I am theirs. I would do my job for free if I could. I don’t want money. I want to be a part of something. Don’t throw me away because I couldn’t meet your needs. The slightest pressure will make me bend to your will despite the need for rest. I ignore my needs for yours. I care for you. I am a nanny. I am not a robot.
The things I love also break my heart. The chubby foot of a sleeping baby in my lap. A hug that I didn’t expect from a running toddler barrelling towards my legs. A smile so sincere that for a moment the entire world fades away and all I can see is the shining face of a happy child. When they ask me to stay by their side because they do not want to sleep without me, I smile and I sit down and wait. They fall asleep and I walk away with their snores softly ringing in my ears. A bottle to sooth a hungry tummy, a hug to sooth a crying mouth, a tickle to make the giggles come out and an ache in my heart that makes me want to shout. Though this one is not mine, he reaches for me and cries for my attention even though only a second ago he was asleep but his need for me is stronger than the need to sleep. Another who can only speak a few words calls to me and will not leave any place without me, following me, watching me, no privacy. But I do not need privacy or personal space because you can not stop a child from needing the touch of someone who cares. Autism and ADHD do not make them harder to love, in fact every unique child inspires of love so strong that makes you wonder how you love could feel so great. Hearing softly that I am loved by children that I only get to love and cherish for a very short amount of time is the greatest gift I can get. It breaks my heart to drove home alone, leaving these kids in the happy and love filled homes. What did I do to deserve a heart that breaks every time I see a child’s smiling face?