Tag: marriage

Struggle. 

My personal struggle at the moment deals with love. My heart aches for a companion. I long for love and commitment but I have had no luck.  I have been off dating sites and things like that for quite a long time now and because of that I do not seem to be meeting anyone new. There’s always that quick smile to a stranger.  A fleeting connection but never anything else. It’s heartbreaking.  I want to meet someone organically and not controlled by location or interest like an app. I want that movie moment where you meet a stranger and it changes the rest of your life. I am extremely frustrated and have been feeling so hopeless.  Despite the fact that I feel this way,  I am still not appreciating the very “helpful” advice that I have received. 

My list of “helpful” advice that isn’t helpful.

  • “You are still young.. A baby..”
  • “You have plenty of time”
  • “Enjoy yourself, you shouldn’t think about settling down at this age “
  • “If you stop looking, you will find someone”
  • “One day a guy will start going to church and he will be the one for you”
  • “Go out more or you will never meet anyone” 
  • “Don’t be honest with the  guys about what you want, it scares them away”
  • “If you would change the way you act and what you say then they wouldn’t leave”
  • “Trust me,  you will regret getting married so young”
  • “You should focus on school”
  • “Well I’m ___ years old and I haven’t met anyone “

Why do people give advice like that? Do feelings not matter to anyone?  It’s not about my age, or what I’m going to do with my life.  It’s about what I long for, what my heart and mind are telling me is important. It’s about the fact that I never imagined that I would be unmarried at the age of 20. Yes,  what a shocker. I thought I would get married right out of high school. I am afraid though. Afraid that because I want to be with someone so badly that I’ll never get it. Then I’ll grow old alone always wishing I had met somebody but realizing that it was never meant for me. I don’t want to wait till I’m older to meet someone. I crave the love now. I beg everyday to God that I meet someone. I don’t like to consider myself desperate because I don’t want to settle or pick someone who is not good for me. I want to meet the person who I meant to be with. I want to meet the person who God wants me to be with for the rest of my life. It’s not that I don’t believe in a plan for my life but I would like to see it come true now. It’s hard to be patient when all you want is to meet someone and build a life together.
I just want people to understand that their advice hurts and I can’t help feeling the way I feel. 

Advertisements

Chance.

We met by chance. A new years party between neighbors. I came with my family and you were friends with the hosts so by chance we we’re both there. You caught me staring several times but I couldn’t look away. Your smile was mesmerizing as were the songs you sang. You walked me home and I was too scared to ask for your number and you walked away. Months went by and I saw your truck several times but never took a chance. Finally, I found you again. We spoke, exchanged number and talked every day. I thought that it was possible that we could be together. I didn’t realize, you were still married. I thought you were already divorced.  I knew you had been married. I didn’t know it was the second time. I knew you had a kid but that didn’t stop me from wanting you. I thought I had a chance. I thought I felt a connection. But you are still dealing with hard times, no room for more. To be with a married man, is not my dream. To be married to a man is. How long will I wait? Can I wait? Should I wait? I felt the connection but it is worth taking a chance? Never over stepping the bounds of friendship until you are a legally single man. Will you ever open your heart again and take a chance on me? Or will my destiny lead me to someone else? At least I took a chance.

Hope.

I am not known to date. I am almost 20 and I’ve had 2 boyfriends, each relationship lasting less than a month. Let us just call it bad taste.

My last relationship was one that I loved. I was happy. I shined brighter. The people around me noticed, however, some did not like it. From the moment that I publicly announced my relationship, people began to butt into my life. They all said similar things about how I was too good for him. He wasn’t a good guy. He wasn’t worth my time. He was not perfect but I didn’t need him to be perfect, I cared about him just the way he was. I got scared. I listened to the negativety that came spewing at me. The ridicule, the judgement, the sideways glances, the whispered tones when I walked by. I would love to say it didn’t bother me but it did. I hated the attention. I wanted peace. I became angry, judgmental and took it out on him. Then his true colors showed and I broke it off. There is much more to that and maybe one day I’ll tell you but for now let’s keep going.
For a year after we broke up, I was the brunt of the joke. People would talk about me to their friends and when their friends would meet me they would say, oh that’s the girlfriend. I was constantly bombarded with facts about him and listened to his so called friends talk shit about him. It didn’t help that he shared extremely personal messages with everyone. Nothing I said was a secret. I am not talking explicit but more of a personal type of thing. Needless to say it was difficult. We fought and the next day more ridicule because he would tell everyone. This continued for a year because I still cared for him and could not move on. My thoughts were of him all the time. But I moved on with substantial damage to my mental health.

Instead of being the girl who was ready for marriage and wanted love and a man. I became a man hater. I wanted nothing to do with men. He ruined my dreams of being a wife and a bride. I had my hopes crushed and I couldn’t forget everything that happened. I never dated and I have the misfortune of being the girl who attracted the wrong type of man online. I was never approached in public unless by a much older man or a creepy young guy. My options we’re limited. Then I met him.

This is not some love at first site thing. I don’t love him, I barely know him, but my soul was at peace when I met him. He wanted to meet for dinner and I had to cancel but instead of getting upset, he simple scheduled something else for a time when I was available. It was a wonderful first date. No awkwardness, we connected, we talked for hours and the only thing he did was kiss me goodnight. He was adamant about a second date and I was eager. We met and it was wonderful. I felt at ease. I felt a passion and a closeness to him. He seemed to feel the same way. It was only two days and he stopped replying. No, I didn’t bombard him with messages. No, I didn’t stalk him. No, I didn’t say anything that would cause him to leave. But he still disappeared.  It hurts because he gave me hope that I could move on from a difficult situation. I felt like I had finally closed the chapter on a rough year. He made dating seem so easy. So wonderful, so sweet. I thought I could just enjoy dating and we could take it slow but apparently two days with me was enough. My soul is broken from before and the wounds that were healing are broken again. I lost hope that dating was enjoyable. I’m not the I love him after the first date type but I am the you make my anxiety disappear and that makes me happy type. Regardless of anything I’m trying to stay strong. I will try to keep an open mind about dating but I wish they would not give me hope and make me believe that they liked me. My advice to you is be sincere, you never know what someone is going through.