Tag: love

Generous. 

She was generous. 

But it was to her detriment. 

First she gave all her money. 

 Then she lost her car and then her home. 

But still she gave. 

She roamed the streets hungry and alone. 

But her heart was open to those who needed care. 

She passed a girl who needed her shoes. 

And a man with no jacket soon would see. 

A woman walking who would give him what he needs. 

When the deed was done, she walked on by, barefoot and cold but she did not cry. 

Her pants, her shirt soon dissapeared. 

For everywhere she went, another hand was outstretched. 

Walking naked, brave and strong. 

The light of the Lord called her home. 

For when you give all you have,  all that’s left is your soul. 

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Her.

You said you wanted me. You said I was the one. You said that you were mine. That we were meant to me. You were so grateful, so thankful. You made me feel. 

Feel for you. Feel happiness because of you. Feel joy. Excitement. You made me feel beautiful and wanted and hopeful.

Hopeful that you and I were meant to be. Hopeful that we would be together forever.

You lied to me. 

Because you wanted her. 

She is the one. 

Not me. 

Struggle. 

My personal struggle at the moment deals with love. My heart aches for a companion. I long for love and commitment but I have had no luck.  I have been off dating sites and things like that for quite a long time now and because of that I do not seem to be meeting anyone new. There’s always that quick smile to a stranger.  A fleeting connection but never anything else. It’s heartbreaking.  I want to meet someone organically and not controlled by location or interest like an app. I want that movie moment where you meet a stranger and it changes the rest of your life. I am extremely frustrated and have been feeling so hopeless.  Despite the fact that I feel this way,  I am still not appreciating the very “helpful” advice that I have received. 

My list of “helpful” advice that isn’t helpful.

  • “You are still young.. A baby..”
  • “You have plenty of time”
  • “Enjoy yourself, you shouldn’t think about settling down at this age “
  • “If you stop looking, you will find someone”
  • “One day a guy will start going to church and he will be the one for you”
  • “Go out more or you will never meet anyone” 
  • “Don’t be honest with the  guys about what you want, it scares them away”
  • “If you would change the way you act and what you say then they wouldn’t leave”
  • “Trust me,  you will regret getting married so young”
  • “You should focus on school”
  • “Well I’m ___ years old and I haven’t met anyone “

Why do people give advice like that? Do feelings not matter to anyone?  It’s not about my age, or what I’m going to do with my life.  It’s about what I long for, what my heart and mind are telling me is important. It’s about the fact that I never imagined that I would be unmarried at the age of 20. Yes,  what a shocker. I thought I would get married right out of high school. I am afraid though. Afraid that because I want to be with someone so badly that I’ll never get it. Then I’ll grow old alone always wishing I had met somebody but realizing that it was never meant for me. I don’t want to wait till I’m older to meet someone. I crave the love now. I beg everyday to God that I meet someone. I don’t like to consider myself desperate because I don’t want to settle or pick someone who is not good for me. I want to meet the person who I meant to be with. I want to meet the person who God wants me to be with for the rest of my life. It’s not that I don’t believe in a plan for my life but I would like to see it come true now. It’s hard to be patient when all you want is to meet someone and build a life together.
I just want people to understand that their advice hurts and I can’t help feeling the way I feel. 

Women. 

This is my official list of rules that I will follow this year when and if I date. We have lost touch with dating traditions that made us feel special and cared for and safe.  We let things slide to easily and we settle for fwb instead of a long lasting relationship.  This is not saying that fwb is bad, by all means, you go girl!  But this is for the girl who wants a relationship that will last.  I am doing this for myself.  (Keep in mind my Christian values) Feel free to make your own list. 

  1.  Must be Christian. 
  2. Must be open minded and accepting despite religious beliefs. 
  3. Must not be selfish. 
  4. Money conscious is good, cheap is bad. 
  5. He must open and close the door for you both going in and going out. 
  6. He must speak respectfully about others. (I don’t mind a complaint here and there but do not speak negatively in excess about a specific person or thing just because something did not go your way) 
  7. He must take the blame if he is at fault. (Do not constantly blame others because you do not want to take responsibility) 
  8. He must pay for the first date. 
  9. The first date does not have to be fancy but it can not be Netflix and chill. 
  10. Until we are officially in a relationship, no dates should be in your home. ( not because I want to spend money but because it isn’t proper) 
  11. Must have respect for authority figures. 
  12. Does not do any hard or recreational drugs. (Excluding drugs helping with an illness) 
  13. Does not get blackout drunk. 
  14. Does not party or club in excess. 
  15. Must not force drinks on me. 
  16. No means no. 
  17. Must like kids (I’m a nanny) 
  18. Must put some effort into style. 
  19. Must have his own place and a car that is not run down. 
  20. Must have stable job or potential to have a stable job. 
  21. Must have a high school diploma. 
  22. Open minded towards live musicals and any of the arts, like concerts, orchestras, opera, ballet. 
  23. He must love the country side.  (I dislike the city) 
  24. Must be a lover of food but still health conscience. 
  25. Must not judge a woman by the hair on her body. 
  26. Must not judge anyone based on looks they can’t control. 

    Keep in mine there are probably a million things to add to a list.  This is not to say that he has to. Meet every requirement but ladies.  Do not settle.  If you work hard to be a good person then you should not settle for someone who does not put any effort in being a better person. 

    Piece. 

    There is a piece of my heart missing. I left it behind. I left it with the one person that I cherish the most.  My brother. 

    I went on a two week vacation to visit my family.  I stayed with my sister for the majority of it because my neice is two and I had never gotten to meet her so I wanted to be with her as long as possible. I love my sister and her huge family but my brother is always number one. When I said goodbye to her, I was sad but not brokenhearted. However, the meer thought of saying goodbye to my brother brought me to tears. I went to his house and was able to hold the tears in and enjoy breakfast he cooked. He walked me outside and hugged me and I feel apart. I sobbed in his arms for so long while he whispered nice things to me.  It did not help. I sobbed harder. I couldn’t let him go.  I did not want to leave. He told me that he was proud of me,  that I was always on his mind and that I would always have a home with him. He wiped my tears away and promised one day we would live closer. I didn’t stop crying.  I got into my car and cried while driving. Even now as I wrote this I cry. I live 10.driving hours away from the only person I ever felt love from.  Ten hours away from the man who would bend over backwards for me. My one supportive family member is far away. He knows my living situation and it kills him.  I know his rough life and it kills me.  I left a piece of myself with him. My brother saved my life. He made sure I survived and now I am too far away to show him every day how grateful I am. 

    Unrealistic. 

    I have a dream.  It is unrealistic.  My dream is that I will meet the perfect guy. He is full of contradictions. Strong but gentle.  Funny but mature. Responsible but spontaneous. He is everything I need him to be. He calms the storm that rages in my head.  He is level headed to cope with my neurosis. He has the same goals that I have.  He wants to have a wife to come home to and have a home cooked meal.  A woman to serve his needs.  He is appreciative but knows that he provides for his family.  He is perfect for me. He helps me. He does not let the thoughts in my head distract me from what is truly important.  He keeps me sane.  But he doesn’t exist.  

    I drive myself crazy with the thought of him.  I dream of him during the night and think of him during the day. The thought of not having  him makes me cry. I push everyone else away because I am waiting.  Waiting for that fairy tale.  Waiting for a dream come true.

     I am not a princess. This is not a movie. I will lie in bed every night alone. I will regret the relationships I have destroyed.  I will wish again for him.  He controls my actions.  He does not allow me to see any other path but one that leads to him. I can not see a future without him. All others fall short,  though he is not real.  

    I will one day wake up and I will realize, he is not real. He will be a shattered hope. A dream never come true.  I will drag the pieces of this broken dream with me until the end of time. I will die with a sad memory of what could have been. 

    Missing. 

    I miss the way he used to talk. Kind and funny and full of life.  Singing sweetly by my side. Strumming music for Christ.  We led the worship for the kids. We were the perfect duet.  He used to act like he would sing just to stop at the spur of the moment so only my voice would be heard.  He drove me home only once,  I wished it would have lasted forever. He says he wants me but can’t decide.  He’s breaking my heart when he says he does not know.  How can you not believe that we are meant to be?  It isn’t just love.  I promise we do get along.  Same goals,  same life we want to live.  We can make it work. We are meant to be.  I just hope you start to believe it too. 

    Battle. 

    My soul has an inner battle.  Two parts of me,  fighting constantly.  

    Part one: This part of me wants to be alone. To be left at peace. To not deal with the world.  To not make more friends.  To speak only to the people I have known for long periods of time and even then I do not wish to speak.  I like my silence.  I like my own individual thoughts. Other’s problems bring out the cold heart in me.  I want to care but I can only care if it is something truly important.  Do not involve me in childish nonsense.  I work hard and do not have time to deal with an immature mentality in someone who should behave as an adult. I crave only to go home and rest. To rejuvenate myself for the next day.  I do not want to stay out late,  I do not want to force any fun on myself.  I am tired,  I want to go home. I just want to be alone. 

    Part two: This part of me wants to belong. I want friends who care about me and want to be involved in my life.  I want to feel like a special part of someone’s life. I want to have the energy to go out and experience life to the fullest.  I want to make friends,  influence lives and know the world and the people in it.  I want to fall.  Fall in love.  Fall in never ending companionship with someone.  Stand by someone’s side. The urge to be a daily part of someones life is great.  To be important.  To matter.  To never feel lonely. I want to be a part of a whole.  I want my other half.  

    How can I satisfy my soul that wars with itself.  Must I sacrifice one side for the greater good of the other? I will not give up.  Both sides are important and for know the battle rages. Who am I without this inner turmoil? 

    Realization. 

    As a caregiver,  I constantly see the same thing.  Intolerance.  Not on my part but between the family.  The younger generation loses patience quicker,  finds the burden to be more than they want to bare but have no choice because of responsibility towards family. The one being cared for retreats into an emotional pit of need. Knowing that they bother people but not being able to control themselves because they need to have their family members close to make them feel better. One side wishing they weren’t needed and the other side wishing they didn’t need any help. Emotions run hot. Frustration is the number one emotion.  Even if they are known for their endless patience,  there is something about disability that causes both sides to suffer mentally.  I believe that only the caregiver can make the difference especially when dealing with dementia.  As the younger generation, as a daughter, a son, a family member,  we must remember that the older generations mindset and life revolves around us.  They lived for us, they worked to provide for us, they suffered for us,  we are primary in their lives, even if they are secondary in ours. We were made to deal with the pain of losing the older generation first so let’s make their last moments worthy of their hard work.  You can not make up for anything after they are gone.  Do not live with the regret because you lost your temper. Kindness goes a long way.  Love them,  disability and all. 

    Jealous. 

    I do not love you. I do not want you. We have gone our separate ways.  Been apart for longer than we have been together. We have no future. We are not a we. You and I will never be together again. There is no chance.

    But. 

    When I see you,  I want your attention. I want you to look at me. My heart aches when I think of how lonely I am.  You met someone.  You are moving on.  I am stuck in the past.  I thought I let go. But I didn’t want you to move on.. I wanted all the attention.  I am selfish.  I am jealous.