Tag: lonely

Women. 

This is my official list of rules that I will follow this year when and if I date. We have lost touch with dating traditions that made us feel special and cared for and safe.  We let things slide to easily and we settle for fwb instead of a long lasting relationship.  This is not saying that fwb is bad, by all means, you go girl!  But this is for the girl who wants a relationship that will last.  I am doing this for myself.  (Keep in mind my Christian values) Feel free to make your own list. 

  1.  Must be Christian. 
  2. Must be open minded and accepting despite religious beliefs. 
  3. Must not be selfish. 
  4. Money conscious is good, cheap is bad. 
  5. He must open and close the door for you both going in and going out. 
  6. He must speak respectfully about others. (I don’t mind a complaint here and there but do not speak negatively in excess about a specific person or thing just because something did not go your way) 
  7. He must take the blame if he is at fault. (Do not constantly blame others because you do not want to take responsibility) 
  8. He must pay for the first date. 
  9. The first date does not have to be fancy but it can not be Netflix and chill. 
  10. Until we are officially in a relationship, no dates should be in your home. ( not because I want to spend money but because it isn’t proper) 
  11. Must have respect for authority figures. 
  12. Does not do any hard or recreational drugs. (Excluding drugs helping with an illness) 
  13. Does not get blackout drunk. 
  14. Does not party or club in excess. 
  15. Must not force drinks on me. 
  16. No means no. 
  17. Must like kids (I’m a nanny) 
  18. Must put some effort into style. 
  19. Must have his own place and a car that is not run down. 
  20. Must have stable job or potential to have a stable job. 
  21. Must have a high school diploma. 
  22. Open minded towards live musicals and any of the arts, like concerts, orchestras, opera, ballet. 
  23. He must love the country side.  (I dislike the city) 
  24. Must be a lover of food but still health conscience. 
  25. Must not judge a woman by the hair on her body. 
  26. Must not judge anyone based on looks they can’t control. 

    Keep in mine there are probably a million things to add to a list.  This is not to say that he has to. Meet every requirement but ladies.  Do not settle.  If you work hard to be a good person then you should not settle for someone who does not put any effort in being a better person. 

    Battle. 

    My soul has an inner battle.  Two parts of me,  fighting constantly.  

    Part one: This part of me wants to be alone. To be left at peace. To not deal with the world.  To not make more friends.  To speak only to the people I have known for long periods of time and even then I do not wish to speak.  I like my silence.  I like my own individual thoughts. Other’s problems bring out the cold heart in me.  I want to care but I can only care if it is something truly important.  Do not involve me in childish nonsense.  I work hard and do not have time to deal with an immature mentality in someone who should behave as an adult. I crave only to go home and rest. To rejuvenate myself for the next day.  I do not want to stay out late,  I do not want to force any fun on myself.  I am tired,  I want to go home. I just want to be alone. 

    Part two: This part of me wants to belong. I want friends who care about me and want to be involved in my life.  I want to feel like a special part of someone’s life. I want to have the energy to go out and experience life to the fullest.  I want to make friends,  influence lives and know the world and the people in it.  I want to fall.  Fall in love.  Fall in never ending companionship with someone.  Stand by someone’s side. The urge to be a daily part of someones life is great.  To be important.  To matter.  To never feel lonely. I want to be a part of a whole.  I want my other half.  

    How can I satisfy my soul that wars with itself.  Must I sacrifice one side for the greater good of the other? I will not give up.  Both sides are important and for know the battle rages. Who am I without this inner turmoil? 

    Jealous. 

    I do not love you. I do not want you. We have gone our separate ways.  Been apart for longer than we have been together. We have no future. We are not a we. You and I will never be together again. There is no chance.

    But. 

    When I see you,  I want your attention. I want you to look at me. My heart aches when I think of how lonely I am.  You met someone.  You are moving on.  I am stuck in the past.  I thought I let go. But I didn’t want you to move on.. I wanted all the attention.  I am selfish.  I am jealous.