Tag: lonely

Battle. 

My soul has an inner battle.  Two parts of me,  fighting constantly.  

Part one: This part of me wants to be alone. To be left at peace. To not deal with the world.  To not make more friends.  To speak only to the people I have known for long periods of time and even then I do not wish to speak.  I like my silence.  I like my own individual thoughts. Other’s problems bring out the cold heart in me.  I want to care but I can only care if it is something truly important.  Do not involve me in childish nonsense.  I work hard and do not have time to deal with an immature mentality in someone who should behave as an adult. I crave only to go home and rest. To rejuvenate myself for the next day.  I do not want to stay out late,  I do not want to force any fun on myself.  I am tired,  I want to go home. I just want to be alone. 

Part two: This part of me wants to belong. I want friends who care about me and want to be involved in my life.  I want to feel like a special part of someone’s life. I want to have the energy to go out and experience life to the fullest.  I want to make friends,  influence lives and know the world and the people in it.  I want to fall.  Fall in love.  Fall in never ending companionship with someone.  Stand by someone’s side. The urge to be a daily part of someones life is great.  To be important.  To matter.  To never feel lonely. I want to be a part of a whole.  I want my other half.  

How can I satisfy my soul that wars with itself.  Must I sacrifice one side for the greater good of the other? I will not give up.  Both sides are important and for know the battle rages. Who am I without this inner turmoil? 

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Jealous. 

I do not love you. I do not want you. We have gone our separate ways.  Been apart for longer than we have been together. We have no future. We are not a we. You and I will never be together again. There is no chance.

But. 

When I see you,  I want your attention. I want you to look at me. My heart aches when I think of how lonely I am.  You met someone.  You are moving on.  I am stuck in the past.  I thought I let go. But I didn’t want you to move on.. I wanted all the attention.  I am selfish.  I am jealous.