I hate the word deserve when used in a certain context. “You deserve better” “you will get what you deserve” . None of that is true.
I hate to say it but it’s true. It is rare for someone to truly get what they deserve.
“The rich get richer and the poor keep dying.”
We deserve nothing. We are destroying our planet because of carelessness and disregard. We feel entitled to take until there is nothing left to give. “Let you, who is without sin, cast the first stone.” Despite the fact that in our own way we all do horrible things, some are more blessed than others. I wonder why that is. “Life isn’t fair” they always say but why? Why isn’t it fair? “They will get what’s coming to them” No. No they won’t. Not always. But why not? I do not know. How can we have hope if there is no real fairness system in place. The Bible says that if we all got what we deserved, we would be in Hell because none of us are without sin. Also it says that every sin has equal value, from murder to bullying, to God there is no difference. Maybe that’s why life isn’t fair. We are all equal. Every choice we make creates a 50/50 chance for good or bad consequence but a bad choice doesn’t always equal a bad consequence . A metaphorical coin toss happens at every crossroad. I still believe we should be kind and do our best but I do not believe there is any point in being so upset when we get the short end of the stick. We can’t control anything but ourselves. The answer to why me? Because why not you? You just happen to be the one this time, but you are not the only one.
I can not find satisfaction. Not in anything. Not in my decisions. Not in my life. I have chosen for myself, yet all I feel is lost. A moment of happiness flutters by like a butterfly. Here one moment and gone in the wind. Like a magic moment that is difficult to believe in.
Why do I go up so high, only to fall to despair so quickly. One day to the next, emotions raw and heart broken. Will I ever be satisfied, or will my heart continue to bleed a million sorrows.
I have made my life, why am I not satisfied? I need not crave more and yet I still do. When will I find peace and happiness? When I finally have my own family? When I see my kids grown? Will my last breath be a sigh of peace and happiness or full of regret and wishes? Why must my mind be so negative, unable to transmit happy thoughts. I am destined to be without satisfaction because that’s all my mind can see. One day I will try to fix this problem within me.
I miss the way he used to talk. Kind and funny and full of life. Singing sweetly by my side. Strumming music for Christ. We led the worship for the kids. We were the perfect duet. He used to act like he would sing just to stop at the spur of the moment so only my voice would be heard. He drove me home only once, I wished it would have lasted forever. He says he wants me but can’t decide. He’s breaking my heart when he says he does not know. How can you not believe that we are meant to be? It isn’t just love. I promise we do get along. Same goals, same life we want to live. We can make it work. We are meant to be. I just hope you start to believe it too.
Today I turned 20. Well technically I don’t turn twenty until 3 something in the morning and it’s only midnight but shhhh.
My plans for this milestone? My celebration of finally leaving my “teen” years behind? I work. I get up. I get dressed and I work with a quick break for lunch. My one celebration was going to be a family dinner, which I cannot attend because I’m picking up my brother from the airport. Instead of enjoying my day and feeling like a princess, I am stressed and unhappy. I am moving back home and feeling like a failure because I cannot afford rent. I am painting a classroom which has taken more time than I thought and leaves me so exhausted at night that I still don’t regain my energy when I wake up. My health is deteriorating slowly but surely as usual when I don’t get any down time. I know I’m only 20 but I’m not where I imagined I would be. I have no relationship, I have no potentional success. All I have is my work. Do not get my wrong. I love my job but I thought I would have a bit more in it at this point. I cry tonight. For no other reason than pitying myself. Tomorrow I will wake up, I will put on a smile and I will act like it doesn’t kill me to not feel special on my special day. From the mouth of a truly mean person in regards to me working on my birthday, ” you’ll [I’ll] be fine.”
I know something that no one else knows. She spoke to me so nonchalantly that I barely had time to process it.
The day before: She refused to get up or even move. Hours in the same position. Her eyes would open but I would speak and she would close them again. I shook her lightly trying to get her up. She needs to eat, she needs to take her medicine, she needs to get up but she won’t. She won’t respond. She won’t react. She lays there. I worry. I have to leave. I try again and again to get her up to no avail. I tell her daughter what is happening. She says she will try when she gets home. She didn’t eat anything. She did not get out of bed.
The day she told me: She told me that when she woke up that she was surprised to still be alive. She felt like it was her time to die. She felt her soul being called away. She didn’t think she would ever wake up again. But she did. She woke up and she had a good day but today is another day and we may not be so lucky.
This is the life of a caregiver for a woman with dementia. A disease that destroys a person’s mind and soul and breaks them down.
I watched her grab a nail file and rub it on her face, her efforts to remove a mark on her face that was bothering her because she was constantly picking at it. (She wasn’t in harms way, I had a very close eye on her) She also brushed her face in attempts to groom herself in some manner which I did not understand. She searched and searched and opened drawers and just looked at everything and searched for something. I finally asked her what she needed. It was a toothbrush, a toothbrush that was directly in front of her. I gave it to her and she went to work again, brushing her teeth. She started again with the searching. She found a tube of lipstick but decided it wasn’t for her. She found lip gloss and applied it to her lips. Not once did she ask for help. Her mind no longer understands what a quarter sleeve is which she proves by anxiously pulling at her sleeves in an attempt to elongate them. Her confusion is constant, when I watch her I do not understand and I realize neither does she. Her world is deteriorating every day.
All I can do is watch. I try not to hover. She does not deserve to be limited by my worries. She deserves a chance to try her hand at tasks. I help her after she has a chance to try. I cry with her, I cry for her. I feel her pain but I can not help. I can only stand to the side and watch her take this journey. A journey that does not end with life but with death. Her mind will leave and so will she.
Dementia destroys something I can not heal. I am only a caregiver.
When you come home and see your family, the first thing you say goodbye to is the nanny. Your focus is your family, seeing them, talking to them and caring for them. To you the nanny is a separate entity, almost a robot, who comes and goes whenever you please. She is an object, emotionless and only there to follow your orders and to watch over your children until you come home and actually care and love for your own. What you don’t know nor care to know, is what the nanny feels.
When you see me and I speak, I am jittery. A nervous energy which you as a boss think is my physical display of wanting to leave. It isn’t. I talk to much not because I’m hoping I get off of work early but because I’m hoping you will ask me how I feel. I leave you to your family and in my mind I repeat the words, “ask me to stay.” I am a person. I need more. I deserve to be treated like a human.
If you bothered to look, you would see the longing in my eyes to be apart of something. I am one person. I go home alone and there is no one there to greet me.
If we were strangers then I wouldn’t feel this way. But you dare call me friend, you dare call me family and when it comes down to it, you treat me like a stranger. You turn from me when my duty to you is through. The only acknowledgement I get is when I have not satisfied you or when you have a chance to judge me for a mistake I made. You turn a blind eye to my quest for help in life. I don’t want your money. I want your true friendship. I want to be treated like you treat the others. You have placed me in a position that is below your own in order to ease your conscience.
When you call me for work but I can not give you what you want, you race to get off the phone. Knowing more about me ruins the image of a perfect slave. You feel angry because your slave is unavailable. You know I would bend over backwards to please you but because I can not do what you want every time, you push me away.
You do no satisfy me. I crave your attention. I want to be seen. I need to be accepted. I draw attention to myself. I am not a robot. I love your family as much as you do. They are mine. I am theirs. I would do my job for free if I could. I don’t want money. I want to be a part of something. Don’t throw me away because I couldn’t meet your needs. The slightest pressure will make me bend to your will despite the need for rest. I ignore my needs for yours. I care for you. I am a nanny. I am not a robot.
I just want to say a few things about what you will read on this blog. First of all I am a Christian so church will be mentioned often. This is by no means a blog to get you to convert, it is more about my life which happens to involve some church. Most of my random thoughts and fears and emotions will be talked about because I simply need an outlet for my bottled up rants.