Just watch the fire of disaster burn fast and fierce.
It started out great. Got up for work, still not feeling well and having trouble walking because of extremely swollen ankles due to a medical condition but I was in a decent mood and ready for my day. I received two cards signed by both children I take care of and adults who know me. A couple of presents, a home made cake, and some much needed attention.
Took a small break for lunch and to pick up a dog that I am caring for. Everything was going fine till the two kids I was watching saw the dog. I told them to leave her alone and eventually they did. The little one came back and I saw no harm in letting her pet the dog, she hugged the dog and then squeezed and the dog snapped. Nipped her little baby cheek and instantly she burst into tears. Looking at it now with grateful emotions because it was just a small mark but I sobbed for hours afterwards because I thought I was going to lose my job for allowing something like this to happen. I almost threw up from the stress and for next few days will have to deal with my bosses about the situation. thankfully, I still have my job and the mother was not unreasonable.
Today was a failure. 20 started off negatively but I’ll just look ahead and maybe one day this will all be forgotten but I doubt it because I have replayed it in my head and will do it every time I see that family.
We met by chance. A new years party between neighbors. I came with my family and you were friends with the hosts so by chance we we’re both there. You caught me staring several times but I couldn’t look away. Your smile was mesmerizing as were the songs you sang. You walked me home and I was too scared to ask for your number and you walked away. Months went by and I saw your truck several times but never took a chance. Finally, I found you again. We spoke, exchanged number and talked every day. I thought that it was possible that we could be together. I didn’t realize, you were still married. I thought you were already divorced. I knew you had been married. I didn’t know it was the second time. I knew you had a kid but that didn’t stop me from wanting you. I thought I had a chance. I thought I felt a connection. But you are still dealing with hard times, no room for more. To be with a married man, is not my dream. To be married to a man is. How long will I wait? Can I wait? Should I wait? I felt the connection but it is worth taking a chance? Never over stepping the bounds of friendship until you are a legally single man. Will you ever open your heart again and take a chance on me? Or will my destiny lead me to someone else? At least I took a chance.
The things I love also break my heart. The chubby foot of a sleeping baby in my lap. A hug that I didn’t expect from a running toddler barrelling towards my legs. A smile so sincere that for a moment the entire world fades away and all I can see is the shining face of a happy child. When they ask me to stay by their side because they do not want to sleep without me, I smile and I sit down and wait. They fall asleep and I walk away with their snores softly ringing in my ears. A bottle to sooth a hungry tummy, a hug to sooth a crying mouth, a tickle to make the giggles come out and an ache in my heart that makes me want to shout. Though this one is not mine, he reaches for me and cries for my attention even though only a second ago he was asleep but his need for me is stronger than the need to sleep. Another who can only speak a few words calls to me and will not leave any place without me, following me, watching me, no privacy. But I do not need privacy or personal space because you can not stop a child from needing the touch of someone who cares. Autism and ADHD do not make them harder to love, in fact every unique child inspires of love so strong that makes you wonder how you love could feel so great. Hearing softly that I am loved by children that I only get to love and cherish for a very short amount of time is the greatest gift I can get. It breaks my heart to drove home alone, leaving these kids in the happy and love filled homes. What did I do to deserve a heart that breaks every time I see a child’s smiling face?