Tag: hope

2017

​For all of you that brought in the new year with depression, chronic illness both mental and physical, or an unhappy living situation, know this. I am praying for you.  I pray that you find the will to live one more day.  That every sunrise brings you peace and that you never wish that that sunset was your last. I pray that you find someone, a friend, a lover,  anyone who understands you and doesn’t judge you. I pray that this person walks beside you through 2017 and makes the rock bottom days a little bit easier to handle. Most of all I pray that you see this and realize that someone does care and that this someone has a heart that aches for you. I want this year to be the year we care for each other because if we don’t then we will all suffer. God bless you all.

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Unrealistic. 

I have a dream.  It is unrealistic.  My dream is that I will meet the perfect guy. He is full of contradictions. Strong but gentle.  Funny but mature. Responsible but spontaneous. He is everything I need him to be. He calms the storm that rages in my head.  He is level headed to cope with my neurosis. He has the same goals that I have.  He wants to have a wife to come home to and have a home cooked meal.  A woman to serve his needs.  He is appreciative but knows that he provides for his family.  He is perfect for me. He helps me. He does not let the thoughts in my head distract me from what is truly important.  He keeps me sane.  But he doesn’t exist.  

I drive myself crazy with the thought of him.  I dream of him during the night and think of him during the day. The thought of not having  him makes me cry. I push everyone else away because I am waiting.  Waiting for that fairy tale.  Waiting for a dream come true.

 I am not a princess. This is not a movie. I will lie in bed every night alone. I will regret the relationships I have destroyed.  I will wish again for him.  He controls my actions.  He does not allow me to see any other path but one that leads to him. I can not see a future without him. All others fall short,  though he is not real.  

I will one day wake up and I will realize, he is not real. He will be a shattered hope. A dream never come true.  I will drag the pieces of this broken dream with me until the end of time. I will die with a sad memory of what could have been. 

Birthday. 

Every year I make the same wish though I rarely received a cake. I wish for complete and utter happiness and peace. I want to love and accept my life and feel that it’s perfect even through the rough times. Some believe by telling you my wish that it won’t come true. News flash. I don’t care though I also believe it. I still wish it.  It has yet to come true but that will never stop me and maybe by voicing it out loud, something will change. 

Chance.

We met by chance. A new years party between neighbors. I came with my family and you were friends with the hosts so by chance we we’re both there. You caught me staring several times but I couldn’t look away. Your smile was mesmerizing as were the songs you sang. You walked me home and I was too scared to ask for your number and you walked away. Months went by and I saw your truck several times but never took a chance. Finally, I found you again. We spoke, exchanged number and talked every day. I thought that it was possible that we could be together. I didn’t realize, you were still married. I thought you were already divorced.  I knew you had been married. I didn’t know it was the second time. I knew you had a kid but that didn’t stop me from wanting you. I thought I had a chance. I thought I felt a connection. But you are still dealing with hard times, no room for more. To be with a married man, is not my dream. To be married to a man is. How long will I wait? Can I wait? Should I wait? I felt the connection but it is worth taking a chance? Never over stepping the bounds of friendship until you are a legally single man. Will you ever open your heart again and take a chance on me? Or will my destiny lead me to someone else? At least I took a chance.

Hope.

I am not known to date. I am almost 20 and I’ve had 2 boyfriends, each relationship lasting less than a month. Let us just call it bad taste.

My last relationship was one that I loved. I was happy. I shined brighter. The people around me noticed, however, some did not like it. From the moment that I publicly announced my relationship, people began to butt into my life. They all said similar things about how I was too good for him. He wasn’t a good guy. He wasn’t worth my time. He was not perfect but I didn’t need him to be perfect, I cared about him just the way he was. I got scared. I listened to the negativety that came spewing at me. The ridicule, the judgement, the sideways glances, the whispered tones when I walked by. I would love to say it didn’t bother me but it did. I hated the attention. I wanted peace. I became angry, judgmental and took it out on him. Then his true colors showed and I broke it off. There is much more to that and maybe one day I’ll tell you but for now let’s keep going.
For a year after we broke up, I was the brunt of the joke. People would talk about me to their friends and when their friends would meet me they would say, oh that’s the girlfriend. I was constantly bombarded with facts about him and listened to his so called friends talk shit about him. It didn’t help that he shared extremely personal messages with everyone. Nothing I said was a secret. I am not talking explicit but more of a personal type of thing. Needless to say it was difficult. We fought and the next day more ridicule because he would tell everyone. This continued for a year because I still cared for him and could not move on. My thoughts were of him all the time. But I moved on with substantial damage to my mental health.

Instead of being the girl who was ready for marriage and wanted love and a man. I became a man hater. I wanted nothing to do with men. He ruined my dreams of being a wife and a bride. I had my hopes crushed and I couldn’t forget everything that happened. I never dated and I have the misfortune of being the girl who attracted the wrong type of man online. I was never approached in public unless by a much older man or a creepy young guy. My options we’re limited. Then I met him.

This is not some love at first site thing. I don’t love him, I barely know him, but my soul was at peace when I met him. He wanted to meet for dinner and I had to cancel but instead of getting upset, he simple scheduled something else for a time when I was available. It was a wonderful first date. No awkwardness, we connected, we talked for hours and the only thing he did was kiss me goodnight. He was adamant about a second date and I was eager. We met and it was wonderful. I felt at ease. I felt a passion and a closeness to him. He seemed to feel the same way. It was only two days and he stopped replying. No, I didn’t bombard him with messages. No, I didn’t stalk him. No, I didn’t say anything that would cause him to leave. But he still disappeared.  It hurts because he gave me hope that I could move on from a difficult situation. I felt like I had finally closed the chapter on a rough year. He made dating seem so easy. So wonderful, so sweet. I thought I could just enjoy dating and we could take it slow but apparently two days with me was enough. My soul is broken from before and the wounds that were healing are broken again. I lost hope that dating was enjoyable. I’m not the I love him after the first date type but I am the you make my anxiety disappear and that makes me happy type. Regardless of anything I’m trying to stay strong. I will try to keep an open mind about dating but I wish they would not give me hope and make me believe that they liked me. My advice to you is be sincere, you never know what someone is going through.