Tag: friendship

Battle. 

My soul has an inner battle.  Two parts of me,  fighting constantly.  

Part one: This part of me wants to be alone. To be left at peace. To not deal with the world.  To not make more friends.  To speak only to the people I have known for long periods of time and even then I do not wish to speak.  I like my silence.  I like my own individual thoughts. Other’s problems bring out the cold heart in me.  I want to care but I can only care if it is something truly important.  Do not involve me in childish nonsense.  I work hard and do not have time to deal with an immature mentality in someone who should behave as an adult. I crave only to go home and rest. To rejuvenate myself for the next day.  I do not want to stay out late,  I do not want to force any fun on myself.  I am tired,  I want to go home. I just want to be alone. 

Part two: This part of me wants to belong. I want friends who care about me and want to be involved in my life.  I want to feel like a special part of someone’s life. I want to have the energy to go out and experience life to the fullest.  I want to make friends,  influence lives and know the world and the people in it.  I want to fall.  Fall in love.  Fall in never ending companionship with someone.  Stand by someone’s side. The urge to be a daily part of someones life is great.  To be important.  To matter.  To never feel lonely. I want to be a part of a whole.  I want my other half.  

How can I satisfy my soul that wars with itself.  Must I sacrifice one side for the greater good of the other? I will not give up.  Both sides are important and for know the battle rages. Who am I without this inner turmoil? 

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Chance.

We met by chance. A new years party between neighbors. I came with my family and you were friends with the hosts so by chance we we’re both there. You caught me staring several times but I couldn’t look away. Your smile was mesmerizing as were the songs you sang. You walked me home and I was too scared to ask for your number and you walked away. Months went by and I saw your truck several times but never took a chance. Finally, I found you again. We spoke, exchanged number and talked every day. I thought that it was possible that we could be together. I didn’t realize, you were still married. I thought you were already divorced.  I knew you had been married. I didn’t know it was the second time. I knew you had a kid but that didn’t stop me from wanting you. I thought I had a chance. I thought I felt a connection. But you are still dealing with hard times, no room for more. To be with a married man, is not my dream. To be married to a man is. How long will I wait? Can I wait? Should I wait? I felt the connection but it is worth taking a chance? Never over stepping the bounds of friendship until you are a legally single man. Will you ever open your heart again and take a chance on me? Or will my destiny lead me to someone else? At least I took a chance.

You.

You take advantage of me. You call me,  regardless of time or the fact that I work and need rest. You treat me like a safety net. You always know I will be there to catch you. You use me. You push me away. You run back and forth whenever you feel the need for someone honest. You know you make bad decisions. You know I still care about you even after those decisions are made. You have a friend in  me.

I answer. Regardless of the hour. I am there for you. I care for you. I let you throw me away over and over. I never complain. I want what’s best for you. I am your friend. I let you hurt me as much as you want.

Hope.

I am not known to date. I am almost 20 and I’ve had 2 boyfriends, each relationship lasting less than a month. Let us just call it bad taste.

My last relationship was one that I loved. I was happy. I shined brighter. The people around me noticed, however, some did not like it. From the moment that I publicly announced my relationship, people began to butt into my life. They all said similar things about how I was too good for him. He wasn’t a good guy. He wasn’t worth my time. He was not perfect but I didn’t need him to be perfect, I cared about him just the way he was. I got scared. I listened to the negativety that came spewing at me. The ridicule, the judgement, the sideways glances, the whispered tones when I walked by. I would love to say it didn’t bother me but it did. I hated the attention. I wanted peace. I became angry, judgmental and took it out on him. Then his true colors showed and I broke it off. There is much more to that and maybe one day I’ll tell you but for now let’s keep going.
For a year after we broke up, I was the brunt of the joke. People would talk about me to their friends and when their friends would meet me they would say, oh that’s the girlfriend. I was constantly bombarded with facts about him and listened to his so called friends talk shit about him. It didn’t help that he shared extremely personal messages with everyone. Nothing I said was a secret. I am not talking explicit but more of a personal type of thing. Needless to say it was difficult. We fought and the next day more ridicule because he would tell everyone. This continued for a year because I still cared for him and could not move on. My thoughts were of him all the time. But I moved on with substantial damage to my mental health.

Instead of being the girl who was ready for marriage and wanted love and a man. I became a man hater. I wanted nothing to do with men. He ruined my dreams of being a wife and a bride. I had my hopes crushed and I couldn’t forget everything that happened. I never dated and I have the misfortune of being the girl who attracted the wrong type of man online. I was never approached in public unless by a much older man or a creepy young guy. My options we’re limited. Then I met him.

This is not some love at first site thing. I don’t love him, I barely know him, but my soul was at peace when I met him. He wanted to meet for dinner and I had to cancel but instead of getting upset, he simple scheduled something else for a time when I was available. It was a wonderful first date. No awkwardness, we connected, we talked for hours and the only thing he did was kiss me goodnight. He was adamant about a second date and I was eager. We met and it was wonderful. I felt at ease. I felt a passion and a closeness to him. He seemed to feel the same way. It was only two days and he stopped replying. No, I didn’t bombard him with messages. No, I didn’t stalk him. No, I didn’t say anything that would cause him to leave. But he still disappeared.  It hurts because he gave me hope that I could move on from a difficult situation. I felt like I had finally closed the chapter on a rough year. He made dating seem so easy. So wonderful, so sweet. I thought I could just enjoy dating and we could take it slow but apparently two days with me was enough. My soul is broken from before and the wounds that were healing are broken again. I lost hope that dating was enjoyable. I’m not the I love him after the first date type but I am the you make my anxiety disappear and that makes me happy type. Regardless of anything I’m trying to stay strong. I will try to keep an open mind about dating but I wish they would not give me hope and make me believe that they liked me. My advice to you is be sincere, you never know what someone is going through.