You said you wanted me. You said I was the one. You said that you were mine. That we were meant to me. You were so grateful, so thankful. You made me feel.
Feel for you. Feel happiness because of you. Feel joy. Excitement. You made me feel beautiful and wanted and hopeful.
Hopeful that you and I were meant to be. Hopeful that we would be together forever.
You lied to me.
Because you wanted her.
She is the one.
My soul has an inner battle. Two parts of me, fighting constantly.
Part one: This part of me wants to be alone. To be left at peace. To not deal with the world. To not make more friends. To speak only to the people I have known for long periods of time and even then I do not wish to speak. I like my silence. I like my own individual thoughts. Other’s problems bring out the cold heart in me. I want to care but I can only care if it is something truly important. Do not involve me in childish nonsense. I work hard and do not have time to deal with an immature mentality in someone who should behave as an adult. I crave only to go home and rest. To rejuvenate myself for the next day. I do not want to stay out late, I do not want to force any fun on myself. I am tired, I want to go home. I just want to be alone.
Part two: This part of me wants to belong. I want friends who care about me and want to be involved in my life. I want to feel like a special part of someone’s life. I want to have the energy to go out and experience life to the fullest. I want to make friends, influence lives and know the world and the people in it. I want to fall. Fall in love. Fall in never ending companionship with someone. Stand by someone’s side. The urge to be a daily part of someones life is great. To be important. To matter. To never feel lonely. I want to be a part of a whole. I want my other half.
How can I satisfy my soul that wars with itself. Must I sacrifice one side for the greater good of the other? I will not give up. Both sides are important and for know the battle rages. Who am I without this inner turmoil?
When you come home and see your family, the first thing you say goodbye to is the nanny. Your focus is your family, seeing them, talking to them and caring for them. To you the nanny is a separate entity, almost a robot, who comes and goes whenever you please. She is an object, emotionless and only there to follow your orders and to watch over your children until you come home and actually care and love for your own. What you don’t know nor care to know, is what the nanny feels.
When you see me and I speak, I am jittery. A nervous energy which you as a boss think is my physical display of wanting to leave. It isn’t. I talk to much not because I’m hoping I get off of work early but because I’m hoping you will ask me how I feel. I leave you to your family and in my mind I repeat the words, “ask me to stay.” I am a person. I need more. I deserve to be treated like a human.
If you bothered to look, you would see the longing in my eyes to be apart of something. I am one person. I go home alone and there is no one there to greet me.
If we were strangers then I wouldn’t feel this way. But you dare call me friend, you dare call me family and when it comes down to it, you treat me like a stranger. You turn from me when my duty to you is through. The only acknowledgement I get is when I have not satisfied you or when you have a chance to judge me for a mistake I made. You turn a blind eye to my quest for help in life. I don’t want your money. I want your true friendship. I want to be treated like you treat the others. You have placed me in a position that is below your own in order to ease your conscience.
When you call me for work but I can not give you what you want, you race to get off the phone. Knowing more about me ruins the image of a perfect slave. You feel angry because your slave is unavailable. You know I would bend over backwards to please you but because I can not do what you want every time, you push me away.
You do no satisfy me. I crave your attention. I want to be seen. I need to be accepted. I draw attention to myself. I am not a robot. I love your family as much as you do. They are mine. I am theirs. I would do my job for free if I could. I don’t want money. I want to be a part of something. Don’t throw me away because I couldn’t meet your needs. The slightest pressure will make me bend to your will despite the need for rest. I ignore my needs for yours. I care for you. I am a nanny. I am not a robot.