There is a piece of my heart missing. I left it behind. I left it with the one person that I cherish the most. My brother.
I went on a two week vacation to visit my family. I stayed with my sister for the majority of it because my neice is two and I had never gotten to meet her so I wanted to be with her as long as possible. I love my sister and her huge family but my brother is always number one. When I said goodbye to her, I was sad but not brokenhearted. However, the meer thought of saying goodbye to my brother brought me to tears. I went to his house and was able to hold the tears in and enjoy breakfast he cooked. He walked me outside and hugged me and I feel apart. I sobbed in his arms for so long while he whispered nice things to me. It did not help. I sobbed harder. I couldn’t let him go. I did not want to leave. He told me that he was proud of me, that I was always on his mind and that I would always have a home with him. He wiped my tears away and promised one day we would live closer. I didn’t stop crying. I got into my car and cried while driving. Even now as I wrote this I cry. I live 10.driving hours away from the only person I ever felt love from. Ten hours away from the man who would bend over backwards for me. My one supportive family member is far away. He knows my living situation and it kills him. I know his rough life and it kills me. I left a piece of myself with him. My brother saved my life. He made sure I survived and now I am too far away to show him every day how grateful I am.
For all of you that brought in the new year with depression, chronic illness both mental and physical, or an unhappy living situation, know this. I am praying for you. I pray that you find the will to live one more day. That every sunrise brings you peace and that you never wish that that sunset was your last. I pray that you find someone, a friend, a lover, anyone who understands you and doesn’t judge you. I pray that this person walks beside you through 2017 and makes the rock bottom days a little bit easier to handle. Most of all I pray that you see this and realize that someone does care and that this someone has a heart that aches for you. I want this year to be the year we care for each other because if we don’t then we will all suffer. God bless you all.
As a caregiver, I constantly see the same thing. Intolerance. Not on my part but between the family. The younger generation loses patience quicker, finds the burden to be more than they want to bare but have no choice because of responsibility towards family. The one being cared for retreats into an emotional pit of need. Knowing that they bother people but not being able to control themselves because they need to have their family members close to make them feel better. One side wishing they weren’t needed and the other side wishing they didn’t need any help. Emotions run hot. Frustration is the number one emotion. Even if they are known for their endless patience, there is something about disability that causes both sides to suffer mentally. I believe that only the caregiver can make the difference especially when dealing with dementia. As the younger generation, as a daughter, a son, a family member, we must remember that the older generations mindset and life revolves around us. They lived for us, they worked to provide for us, they suffered for us, we are primary in their lives, even if they are secondary in ours. We were made to deal with the pain of losing the older generation first so let’s make their last moments worthy of their hard work. You can not make up for anything after they are gone. Do not live with the regret because you lost your temper. Kindness goes a long way. Love them, disability and all.
When you come home and see your family, the first thing you say goodbye to is the nanny. Your focus is your family, seeing them, talking to them and caring for them. To you the nanny is a separate entity, almost a robot, who comes and goes whenever you please. She is an object, emotionless and only there to follow your orders and to watch over your children until you come home and actually care and love for your own. What you don’t know nor care to know, is what the nanny feels.
When you see me and I speak, I am jittery. A nervous energy which you as a boss think is my physical display of wanting to leave. It isn’t. I talk to much not because I’m hoping I get off of work early but because I’m hoping you will ask me how I feel. I leave you to your family and in my mind I repeat the words, “ask me to stay.” I am a person. I need more. I deserve to be treated like a human.
If you bothered to look, you would see the longing in my eyes to be apart of something. I am one person. I go home alone and there is no one there to greet me.
If we were strangers then I wouldn’t feel this way. But you dare call me friend, you dare call me family and when it comes down to it, you treat me like a stranger. You turn from me when my duty to you is through. The only acknowledgement I get is when I have not satisfied you or when you have a chance to judge me for a mistake I made. You turn a blind eye to my quest for help in life. I don’t want your money. I want your true friendship. I want to be treated like you treat the others. You have placed me in a position that is below your own in order to ease your conscience.
When you call me for work but I can not give you what you want, you race to get off the phone. Knowing more about me ruins the image of a perfect slave. You feel angry because your slave is unavailable. You know I would bend over backwards to please you but because I can not do what you want every time, you push me away.
You do no satisfy me. I crave your attention. I want to be seen. I need to be accepted. I draw attention to myself. I am not a robot. I love your family as much as you do. They are mine. I am theirs. I would do my job for free if I could. I don’t want money. I want to be a part of something. Don’t throw me away because I couldn’t meet your needs. The slightest pressure will make me bend to your will despite the need for rest. I ignore my needs for yours. I care for you. I am a nanny. I am not a robot.