Tag: crying

Okay. 

It’s okay. It’s okay that I want to cry. It’s okay if you want to cry. 

It’s okay to be depressed. 

It’s okay to want more. 

It’s okay to be selfish sometimes. 

It’s okay to skip the gym one day. 

It’s okay to eat. 

It’s okay to love yourself. 

It’s okay to be alone. 

I’m struggling but that’s okay. 

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Fun.

In general I do not consider myself fun. I value peace and quiet over adrenaline and noise. I am on occasion known to let loose and have fun especially with kids.

I admit. When I was younger, I loved prank calls. I loved calling people and saying things like “is your refrigerator running? You better go catch it.” And other lame stuff like that. I think that is so fun and so acceptable and can only harm someone with limited calling minutes.  One thing that I do not find funny are horror movie phone calls.

Tonight I received three private number calls but by the fourth one I just wanted to be left alone  so I answered. What I heard. “Xochitl, you will die in seven nights.”  I ask you this. How is that funny. How do you find joy in threatening someone’s life. It is not okay to make a death threats even as a joke. 

Besides the fact that it is a horrific idea and someone truly stupid had to have made that call. That wasn’t the worst part. The worst part is. They know me. I know them. They purposely blocked their number. Someone I know and love did this to me. They made a long and rough day even more stressful. They ruined my only evening off by playing this joke. They obviously do not care about me. They are selfish and honestly a  despicable human being. 

I am going to bed tonight with tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart because someone went to far. Never go to far because you can’t take it back.

Piece. 

There is a piece of my heart missing. I left it behind. I left it with the one person that I cherish the most.  My brother. 

I went on a two week vacation to visit my family.  I stayed with my sister for the majority of it because my neice is two and I had never gotten to meet her so I wanted to be with her as long as possible. I love my sister and her huge family but my brother is always number one. When I said goodbye to her, I was sad but not brokenhearted. However, the meer thought of saying goodbye to my brother brought me to tears. I went to his house and was able to hold the tears in and enjoy breakfast he cooked. He walked me outside and hugged me and I feel apart. I sobbed in his arms for so long while he whispered nice things to me.  It did not help. I sobbed harder. I couldn’t let him go.  I did not want to leave. He told me that he was proud of me,  that I was always on his mind and that I would always have a home with him. He wiped my tears away and promised one day we would live closer. I didn’t stop crying.  I got into my car and cried while driving. Even now as I wrote this I cry. I live 10.driving hours away from the only person I ever felt love from.  Ten hours away from the man who would bend over backwards for me. My one supportive family member is far away. He knows my living situation and it kills him.  I know his rough life and it kills me.  I left a piece of myself with him. My brother saved my life. He made sure I survived and now I am too far away to show him every day how grateful I am. 

Birthday update. 

Just watch the fire of disaster burn fast and fierce. 

It started out great.  Got up for work,  still not feeling well and having trouble walking because of extremely swollen ankles due to a medical condition but I was in a decent mood and ready for my day. I received two cards signed by both children I take care of and adults who know me.  A couple of presents,  a home made cake,  and some much needed attention. 

Took a small break for lunch and to pick up a dog that I am caring for. Everything was going fine till the two kids I was watching saw the dog.  I told them to leave her alone and eventually they did. The little one came back and I saw no harm in letting her pet the dog,  she hugged the dog and then squeezed and the dog snapped.  Nipped her little baby cheek and instantly she burst into tears.  Looking at it now with grateful emotions because it was just a small mark but I sobbed for hours afterwards because I thought I was going to lose my job for allowing something like this to happen. I almost threw up from the stress and for next few days will have to deal with my bosses about the situation.  thankfully, I still have my job and the mother was not unreasonable. 

Today was a failure.  20 started off negatively but I’ll just look ahead and maybe one day this will all be forgotten but I doubt it because I have replayed it in my head and will do it every time I see that family.