Tag: choices

Deserve. 

I hate the word deserve when used in a certain context.  “You deserve better” “you will get what you deserve” . None of that is true.

I hate to say it but it’s true. It is rare for someone to truly get what they deserve. 

“The rich get richer and the poor keep dying.”

We deserve nothing. We are destroying our planet because of carelessness and disregard. We feel entitled to take until there is nothing left to give. “Let you, who is without sin, cast the first stone.”  Despite the fact that in our own way  we all do horrible things, some are more blessed than others. I wonder why that is. “Life isn’t fair” they always say but why?  Why isn’t it fair?  “They will get what’s coming to them” No. No they won’t. Not always. But why not?  I do not know. How can we have hope if there is no real fairness system in place.  The Bible says that if we all got what we deserved, we would be in Hell because none of us are without sin. Also it says that every sin has equal value, from murder to bullying, to God there is no difference. Maybe that’s why life isn’t fair. We are all equal. Every choice we make creates a 50/50 chance for good or bad consequence but a bad choice doesn’t always equal a bad consequence . A metaphorical coin toss happens at every crossroad. I still believe we should be kind and do our best but I do not believe there is any point in being so upset when we get the short end of the stick.  We can’t control anything but ourselves. The answer to why me?  Because why not you?  You just happen to be the one this time, but you are not the only one. 

Satisfaction. 

I can not find satisfaction.  Not in anything. Not in my decisions. Not in my life.  I have chosen for myself,  yet all I feel is lost. A moment of happiness  flutters by like a butterfly.  Here one moment and gone in the wind.  Like a magic moment that is difficult to believe in. 

Why do I go up so high, only to fall to despair so quickly.  One day to the next, emotions raw and heart broken. Will I ever be satisfied,  or will my heart continue to bleed a million sorrows. 

I have made my life,  why am I not satisfied?  I need not crave more and yet I still do.  When will I find peace and happiness?  When I finally have my own family?  When I see my kids grown? Will my last breath be a sigh of peace and happiness or full of regret and wishes?  Why must my mind be so negative,  unable to transmit happy thoughts.  I am destined to be without satisfaction because that’s all my mind can see.  One day I will try to fix this problem within me.