Tag: alone

Unrealistic. 

I have a dream.  It is unrealistic.  My dream is that I will meet the perfect guy. He is full of contradictions. Strong but gentle.  Funny but mature. Responsible but spontaneous. He is everything I need him to be. He calms the storm that rages in my head.  He is level headed to cope with my neurosis. He has the same goals that I have.  He wants to have a wife to come home to and have a home cooked meal.  A woman to serve his needs.  He is appreciative but knows that he provides for his family.  He is perfect for me. He helps me. He does not let the thoughts in my head distract me from what is truly important.  He keeps me sane.  But he doesn’t exist.  

I drive myself crazy with the thought of him.  I dream of him during the night and think of him during the day. The thought of not having  him makes me cry. I push everyone else away because I am waiting.  Waiting for that fairy tale.  Waiting for a dream come true.

 I am not a princess. This is not a movie. I will lie in bed every night alone. I will regret the relationships I have destroyed.  I will wish again for him.  He controls my actions.  He does not allow me to see any other path but one that leads to him. I can not see a future without him. All others fall short,  though he is not real.  

I will one day wake up and I will realize, he is not real. He will be a shattered hope. A dream never come true.  I will drag the pieces of this broken dream with me until the end of time. I will die with a sad memory of what could have been. 

Battle. 

My soul has an inner battle.  Two parts of me,  fighting constantly.  

Part one: This part of me wants to be alone. To be left at peace. To not deal with the world.  To not make more friends.  To speak only to the people I have known for long periods of time and even then I do not wish to speak.  I like my silence.  I like my own individual thoughts. Other’s problems bring out the cold heart in me.  I want to care but I can only care if it is something truly important.  Do not involve me in childish nonsense.  I work hard and do not have time to deal with an immature mentality in someone who should behave as an adult. I crave only to go home and rest. To rejuvenate myself for the next day.  I do not want to stay out late,  I do not want to force any fun on myself.  I am tired,  I want to go home. I just want to be alone. 

Part two: This part of me wants to belong. I want friends who care about me and want to be involved in my life.  I want to feel like a special part of someone’s life. I want to have the energy to go out and experience life to the fullest.  I want to make friends,  influence lives and know the world and the people in it.  I want to fall.  Fall in love.  Fall in never ending companionship with someone.  Stand by someone’s side. The urge to be a daily part of someones life is great.  To be important.  To matter.  To never feel lonely. I want to be a part of a whole.  I want my other half.  

How can I satisfy my soul that wars with itself.  Must I sacrifice one side for the greater good of the other? I will not give up.  Both sides are important and for know the battle rages. Who am I without this inner turmoil?