Satisfaction. 

I can not find satisfaction.  Not in anything. Not in my decisions. Not in my life.  I have chosen for myself,  yet all I feel is lost. A moment of happiness  flutters by like a butterfly.  Here one moment and gone in the wind.  Like a magic moment that is difficult to believe in. 

Why do I go up so high, only to fall to despair so quickly.  One day to the next, emotions raw and heart broken. Will I ever be satisfied,  or will my heart continue to bleed a million sorrows. 

I have made my life,  why am I not satisfied?  I need not crave more and yet I still do.  When will I find peace and happiness?  When I finally have my own family?  When I see my kids grown? Will my last breath be a sigh of peace and happiness or full of regret and wishes?  Why must my mind be so negative,  unable to transmit happy thoughts.  I am destined to be without satisfaction because that’s all my mind can see.  One day I will try to fix this problem within me. 

Missing. 

I miss the way he used to talk. Kind and funny and full of life.  Singing sweetly by my side. Strumming music for Christ.  We led the worship for the kids. We were the perfect duet.  He used to act like he would sing just to stop at the spur of the moment so only my voice would be heard.  He drove me home only once,  I wished it would have lasted forever. He says he wants me but can’t decide.  He’s breaking my heart when he says he does not know.  How can you not believe that we are meant to be?  It isn’t just love.  I promise we do get along.  Same goals,  same life we want to live.  We can make it work. We are meant to be.  I just hope you start to believe it too. 

Battle. 

My soul has an inner battle.  Two parts of me,  fighting constantly.  

Part one: This part of me wants to be alone. To be left at peace. To not deal with the world.  To not make more friends.  To speak only to the people I have known for long periods of time and even then I do not wish to speak.  I like my silence.  I like my own individual thoughts. Other’s problems bring out the cold heart in me.  I want to care but I can only care if it is something truly important.  Do not involve me in childish nonsense.  I work hard and do not have time to deal with an immature mentality in someone who should behave as an adult. I crave only to go home and rest. To rejuvenate myself for the next day.  I do not want to stay out late,  I do not want to force any fun on myself.  I am tired,  I want to go home. I just want to be alone. 

Part two: This part of me wants to belong. I want friends who care about me and want to be involved in my life.  I want to feel like a special part of someone’s life. I want to have the energy to go out and experience life to the fullest.  I want to make friends,  influence lives and know the world and the people in it.  I want to fall.  Fall in love.  Fall in never ending companionship with someone.  Stand by someone’s side. The urge to be a daily part of someones life is great.  To be important.  To matter.  To never feel lonely. I want to be a part of a whole.  I want my other half.  

How can I satisfy my soul that wars with itself.  Must I sacrifice one side for the greater good of the other? I will not give up.  Both sides are important and for know the battle rages. Who am I without this inner turmoil? 

Realization. 

As a caregiver,  I constantly see the same thing.  Intolerance.  Not on my part but between the family.  The younger generation loses patience quicker,  finds the burden to be more than they want to bare but have no choice because of responsibility towards family. The one being cared for retreats into an emotional pit of need. Knowing that they bother people but not being able to control themselves because they need to have their family members close to make them feel better. One side wishing they weren’t needed and the other side wishing they didn’t need any help. Emotions run hot. Frustration is the number one emotion.  Even if they are known for their endless patience,  there is something about disability that causes both sides to suffer mentally.  I believe that only the caregiver can make the difference especially when dealing with dementia.  As the younger generation, as a daughter, a son, a family member,  we must remember that the older generations mindset and life revolves around us.  They lived for us, they worked to provide for us, they suffered for us,  we are primary in their lives, even if they are secondary in ours. We were made to deal with the pain of losing the older generation first so let’s make their last moments worthy of their hard work.  You can not make up for anything after they are gone.  Do not live with the regret because you lost your temper. Kindness goes a long way.  Love them,  disability and all. 

Birthday update. 

Just watch the fire of disaster burn fast and fierce. 

It started out great.  Got up for work,  still not feeling well and having trouble walking because of extremely swollen ankles due to a medical condition but I was in a decent mood and ready for my day. I received two cards signed by both children I take care of and adults who know me.  A couple of presents,  a home made cake,  and some much needed attention. 

Took a small break for lunch and to pick up a dog that I am caring for. Everything was going fine till the two kids I was watching saw the dog.  I told them to leave her alone and eventually they did. The little one came back and I saw no harm in letting her pet the dog,  she hugged the dog and then squeezed and the dog snapped.  Nipped her little baby cheek and instantly she burst into tears.  Looking at it now with grateful emotions because it was just a small mark but I sobbed for hours afterwards because I thought I was going to lose my job for allowing something like this to happen. I almost threw up from the stress and for next few days will have to deal with my bosses about the situation.  thankfully, I still have my job and the mother was not unreasonable. 

Today was a failure.  20 started off negatively but I’ll just look ahead and maybe one day this will all be forgotten but I doubt it because I have replayed it in my head and will do it every time I see that family. 

Birthday. 

Every year I make the same wish though I rarely received a cake. I wish for complete and utter happiness and peace. I want to love and accept my life and feel that it’s perfect even through the rough times. Some believe by telling you my wish that it won’t come true. News flash. I don’t care though I also believe it. I still wish it.  It has yet to come true but that will never stop me and maybe by voicing it out loud, something will change. 

20. 07/24/16

Today I turned 20. Well technically I don’t turn twenty until 3 something in the morning and it’s only midnight but shhhh. 

My plans for this milestone? My celebration of finally leaving my “teen” years behind? I work. I get up. I get dressed and I work with a quick break for lunch. My one celebration was going to be a family dinner,  which I cannot attend because I’m picking up my brother from the airport. Instead of enjoying my day and feeling like a princess, I am stressed and unhappy.  I am moving back home and feeling like a failure because I cannot afford rent. I am painting a classroom which has taken more time than I thought and leaves me so exhausted at night that I still don’t regain my energy when I wake up. My health is deteriorating slowly but surely as usual when I don’t get any down time. I know I’m only 20 but I’m not where I imagined I would be.  I have no relationship, I have no potentional success. All I have is my work. Do not get my wrong.  I love my job but I thought I would have a bit more in it at this point. I cry tonight. For no other reason than pitying myself. Tomorrow I will wake up,  I will put on a smile and I will act like it doesn’t kill me to not feel special on my special day.  From the mouth of a truly mean person in regards to me working on my birthday, ” you’ll [I’ll] be fine.” 

Jealous. 

I do not love you. I do not want you. We have gone our separate ways.  Been apart for longer than we have been together. We have no future. We are not a we. You and I will never be together again. There is no chance.

But. 

When I see you,  I want your attention. I want you to look at me. My heart aches when I think of how lonely I am.  You met someone.  You are moving on.  I am stuck in the past.  I thought I let go. But I didn’t want you to move on.. I wanted all the attention.  I am selfish.  I am jealous. 

Chance.

We met by chance. A new years party between neighbors. I came with my family and you were friends with the hosts so by chance we we’re both there. You caught me staring several times but I couldn’t look away. Your smile was mesmerizing as were the songs you sang. You walked me home and I was too scared to ask for your number and you walked away. Months went by and I saw your truck several times but never took a chance. Finally, I found you again. We spoke, exchanged number and talked every day. I thought that it was possible that we could be together. I didn’t realize, you were still married. I thought you were already divorced.  I knew you had been married. I didn’t know it was the second time. I knew you had a kid but that didn’t stop me from wanting you. I thought I had a chance. I thought I felt a connection. But you are still dealing with hard times, no room for more. To be with a married man, is not my dream. To be married to a man is. How long will I wait? Can I wait? Should I wait? I felt the connection but it is worth taking a chance? Never over stepping the bounds of friendship until you are a legally single man. Will you ever open your heart again and take a chance on me? Or will my destiny lead me to someone else? At least I took a chance.

You.

You take advantage of me. You call me,  regardless of time or the fact that I work and need rest. You treat me like a safety net. You always know I will be there to catch you. You use me. You push me away. You run back and forth whenever you feel the need for someone honest. You know you make bad decisions. You know I still care about you even after those decisions are made. You have a friend in  me.

I answer. Regardless of the hour. I am there for you. I care for you. I let you throw me away over and over. I never complain. I want what’s best for you. I am your friend. I let you hurt me as much as you want.