Author: xflores

Her.

You said you wanted me. You said I was the one. You said that you were mine. That we were meant to me. You were so grateful, so thankful. You made me feel. 

Feel for you. Feel happiness because of you. Feel joy. Excitement. You made me feel beautiful and wanted and hopeful.

Hopeful that you and I were meant to be. Hopeful that we would be together forever.

You lied to me. 

Because you wanted her. 

She is the one. 

Not me. 

Deserve. 

I hate the word deserve when used in a certain context.  “You deserve better” “you will get what you deserve” . None of that is true.

I hate to say it but it’s true. It is rare for someone to truly get what they deserve. 

“The rich get richer and the poor keep dying.”

We deserve nothing. We are destroying our planet because of carelessness and disregard. We feel entitled to take until there is nothing left to give. “Let you, who is without sin, cast the first stone.”  Despite the fact that in our own way  we all do horrible things, some are more blessed than others. I wonder why that is. “Life isn’t fair” they always say but why?  Why isn’t it fair?  “They will get what’s coming to them” No. No they won’t. Not always. But why not?  I do not know. How can we have hope if there is no real fairness system in place.  The Bible says that if we all got what we deserved, we would be in Hell because none of us are without sin. Also it says that every sin has equal value, from murder to bullying, to God there is no difference. Maybe that’s why life isn’t fair. We are all equal. Every choice we make creates a 50/50 chance for good or bad consequence but a bad choice doesn’t always equal a bad consequence . A metaphorical coin toss happens at every crossroad. I still believe we should be kind and do our best but I do not believe there is any point in being so upset when we get the short end of the stick.  We can’t control anything but ourselves. The answer to why me?  Because why not you?  You just happen to be the one this time, but you are not the only one. 

Struggle. 

My personal struggle at the moment deals with love. My heart aches for a companion. I long for love and commitment but I have had no luck.  I have been off dating sites and things like that for quite a long time now and because of that I do not seem to be meeting anyone new. There’s always that quick smile to a stranger.  A fleeting connection but never anything else. It’s heartbreaking.  I want to meet someone organically and not controlled by location or interest like an app. I want that movie moment where you meet a stranger and it changes the rest of your life. I am extremely frustrated and have been feeling so hopeless.  Despite the fact that I feel this way,  I am still not appreciating the very “helpful” advice that I have received. 

My list of “helpful” advice that isn’t helpful.

  • “You are still young.. A baby..”
  • “You have plenty of time”
  • “Enjoy yourself, you shouldn’t think about settling down at this age “
  • “If you stop looking, you will find someone”
  • “One day a guy will start going to church and he will be the one for you”
  • “Go out more or you will never meet anyone” 
  • “Don’t be honest with the  guys about what you want, it scares them away”
  • “If you would change the way you act and what you say then they wouldn’t leave”
  • “Trust me,  you will regret getting married so young”
  • “You should focus on school”
  • “Well I’m ___ years old and I haven’t met anyone “

Why do people give advice like that? Do feelings not matter to anyone?  It’s not about my age, or what I’m going to do with my life.  It’s about what I long for, what my heart and mind are telling me is important. It’s about the fact that I never imagined that I would be unmarried at the age of 20. Yes,  what a shocker. I thought I would get married right out of high school. I am afraid though. Afraid that because I want to be with someone so badly that I’ll never get it. Then I’ll grow old alone always wishing I had met somebody but realizing that it was never meant for me. I don’t want to wait till I’m older to meet someone. I crave the love now. I beg everyday to God that I meet someone. I don’t like to consider myself desperate because I don’t want to settle or pick someone who is not good for me. I want to meet the person who I meant to be with. I want to meet the person who God wants me to be with for the rest of my life. It’s not that I don’t believe in a plan for my life but I would like to see it come true now. It’s hard to be patient when all you want is to meet someone and build a life together.
I just want people to understand that their advice hurts and I can’t help feeling the way I feel. 

Women. 

This is my official list of rules that I will follow this year when and if I date. We have lost touch with dating traditions that made us feel special and cared for and safe.  We let things slide to easily and we settle for fwb instead of a long lasting relationship.  This is not saying that fwb is bad, by all means, you go girl!  But this is for the girl who wants a relationship that will last.  I am doing this for myself.  (Keep in mind my Christian values) Feel free to make your own list. 

  1.  Must be Christian. 
  2. Must be open minded and accepting despite religious beliefs. 
  3. Must not be selfish. 
  4. Money conscious is good, cheap is bad. 
  5. He must open and close the door for you both going in and going out. 
  6. He must speak respectfully about others. (I don’t mind a complaint here and there but do not speak negatively in excess about a specific person or thing just because something did not go your way) 
  7. He must take the blame if he is at fault. (Do not constantly blame others because you do not want to take responsibility) 
  8. He must pay for the first date. 
  9. The first date does not have to be fancy but it can not be Netflix and chill. 
  10. Until we are officially in a relationship, no dates should be in your home. ( not because I want to spend money but because it isn’t proper) 
  11. Must have respect for authority figures. 
  12. Does not do any hard or recreational drugs. (Excluding drugs helping with an illness) 
  13. Does not get blackout drunk. 
  14. Does not party or club in excess. 
  15. Must not force drinks on me. 
  16. No means no. 
  17. Must like kids (I’m a nanny) 
  18. Must put some effort into style. 
  19. Must have his own place and a car that is not run down. 
  20. Must have stable job or potential to have a stable job. 
  21. Must have a high school diploma. 
  22. Open minded towards live musicals and any of the arts, like concerts, orchestras, opera, ballet. 
  23. He must love the country side.  (I dislike the city) 
  24. Must be a lover of food but still health conscience. 
  25. Must not judge a woman by the hair on her body. 
  26. Must not judge anyone based on looks they can’t control. 

    Keep in mine there are probably a million things to add to a list.  This is not to say that he has to. Meet every requirement but ladies.  Do not settle.  If you work hard to be a good person then you should not settle for someone who does not put any effort in being a better person. 

    Fun.

    In general I do not consider myself fun. I value peace and quiet over adrenaline and noise. I am on occasion known to let loose and have fun especially with kids.

    I admit. When I was younger, I loved prank calls. I loved calling people and saying things like “is your refrigerator running? You better go catch it.” And other lame stuff like that. I think that is so fun and so acceptable and can only harm someone with limited calling minutes.  One thing that I do not find funny are horror movie phone calls.

    Tonight I received three private number calls but by the fourth one I just wanted to be left alone  so I answered. What I heard. “Xochitl, you will die in seven nights.”  I ask you this. How is that funny. How do you find joy in threatening someone’s life. It is not okay to make a death threats even as a joke. 

    Besides the fact that it is a horrific idea and someone truly stupid had to have made that call. That wasn’t the worst part. The worst part is. They know me. I know them. They purposely blocked their number. Someone I know and love did this to me. They made a long and rough day even more stressful. They ruined my only evening off by playing this joke. They obviously do not care about me. They are selfish and honestly a  despicable human being. 

    I am going to bed tonight with tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart because someone went to far. Never go to far because you can’t take it back.

    Piece. 

    There is a piece of my heart missing. I left it behind. I left it with the one person that I cherish the most.  My brother. 

    I went on a two week vacation to visit my family.  I stayed with my sister for the majority of it because my neice is two and I had never gotten to meet her so I wanted to be with her as long as possible. I love my sister and her huge family but my brother is always number one. When I said goodbye to her, I was sad but not brokenhearted. However, the meer thought of saying goodbye to my brother brought me to tears. I went to his house and was able to hold the tears in and enjoy breakfast he cooked. He walked me outside and hugged me and I feel apart. I sobbed in his arms for so long while he whispered nice things to me.  It did not help. I sobbed harder. I couldn’t let him go.  I did not want to leave. He told me that he was proud of me,  that I was always on his mind and that I would always have a home with him. He wiped my tears away and promised one day we would live closer. I didn’t stop crying.  I got into my car and cried while driving. Even now as I wrote this I cry. I live 10.driving hours away from the only person I ever felt love from.  Ten hours away from the man who would bend over backwards for me. My one supportive family member is far away. He knows my living situation and it kills him.  I know his rough life and it kills me.  I left a piece of myself with him. My brother saved my life. He made sure I survived and now I am too far away to show him every day how grateful I am. 

    2017

    ​For all of you that brought in the new year with depression, chronic illness both mental and physical, or an unhappy living situation, know this. I am praying for you.  I pray that you find the will to live one more day.  That every sunrise brings you peace and that you never wish that that sunset was your last. I pray that you find someone, a friend, a lover,  anyone who understands you and doesn’t judge you. I pray that this person walks beside you through 2017 and makes the rock bottom days a little bit easier to handle. Most of all I pray that you see this and realize that someone does care and that this someone has a heart that aches for you. I want this year to be the year we care for each other because if we don’t then we will all suffer. God bless you all.

    Unrealistic. 

    I have a dream.  It is unrealistic.  My dream is that I will meet the perfect guy. He is full of contradictions. Strong but gentle.  Funny but mature. Responsible but spontaneous. He is everything I need him to be. He calms the storm that rages in my head.  He is level headed to cope with my neurosis. He has the same goals that I have.  He wants to have a wife to come home to and have a home cooked meal.  A woman to serve his needs.  He is appreciative but knows that he provides for his family.  He is perfect for me. He helps me. He does not let the thoughts in my head distract me from what is truly important.  He keeps me sane.  But he doesn’t exist.  

    I drive myself crazy with the thought of him.  I dream of him during the night and think of him during the day. The thought of not having  him makes me cry. I push everyone else away because I am waiting.  Waiting for that fairy tale.  Waiting for a dream come true.

     I am not a princess. This is not a movie. I will lie in bed every night alone. I will regret the relationships I have destroyed.  I will wish again for him.  He controls my actions.  He does not allow me to see any other path but one that leads to him. I can not see a future without him. All others fall short,  though he is not real.  

    I will one day wake up and I will realize, he is not real. He will be a shattered hope. A dream never come true.  I will drag the pieces of this broken dream with me until the end of time. I will die with a sad memory of what could have been. 

    Fault. 

    It was all my fault.  I unbuckled him and then like a fool, I turned my back and was distracted.  He fell out of my SUV. He landed and I freaked out.  He was sobbing.  I checked him all over and he seemed to be fine. But he was not. It was all my fault.  I ignored his pain. I had checked over and over but he seemed okay.  I was wrong. He broke his arm. It was all my fault for not being careful.  They hate me now.  I failed my job.  I did not keep him safe.  I did not make sure he was okay.  I hurt him.  I neglected his needs. I ignored the signs.  I hurt him. I should have stayed by his side and been the one sitting next to his father waiting for the results.  It is not okay. How will they ever trust me again. I am supposed to be a stress relief instead.  Every time they think of their child with me, they will worry. I failed. It is my fault. I do not deserve to feel good.  It is not okay.