Month: October 2016

Fault. 

It was all my fault.  I unbuckled him and then like a fool, I turned my back and was distracted.  He fell out of my SUV. He landed and I freaked out.  He was sobbing.  I checked him all over and he seemed to be fine. But he was not. It was all my fault.  I ignored his pain. I had checked over and over but he seemed okay.  I was wrong. He broke his arm. It was all my fault for not being careful.  They hate me now.  I failed my job.  I did not keep him safe.  I did not make sure he was okay.  I hurt him.  I neglected his needs. I ignored the signs.  I hurt him. I should have stayed by his side and been the one sitting next to his father waiting for the results.  It is not okay. How will they ever trust me again. I am supposed to be a stress relief instead.  Every time they think of their child with me, they will worry. I failed. It is my fault. I do not deserve to feel good.  It is not okay. 

Satisfaction. 

I can not find satisfaction.  Not in anything. Not in my decisions. Not in my life.  I have chosen for myself,  yet all I feel is lost. A moment of happiness  flutters by like a butterfly.  Here one moment and gone in the wind.  Like a magic moment that is difficult to believe in. 

Why do I go up so high, only to fall to despair so quickly.  One day to the next, emotions raw and heart broken. Will I ever be satisfied,  or will my heart continue to bleed a million sorrows. 

I have made my life,  why am I not satisfied?  I need not crave more and yet I still do.  When will I find peace and happiness?  When I finally have my own family?  When I see my kids grown? Will my last breath be a sigh of peace and happiness or full of regret and wishes?  Why must my mind be so negative,  unable to transmit happy thoughts.  I am destined to be without satisfaction because that’s all my mind can see.  One day I will try to fix this problem within me. 

Missing. 

I miss the way he used to talk. Kind and funny and full of life.  Singing sweetly by my side. Strumming music for Christ.  We led the worship for the kids. We were the perfect duet.  He used to act like he would sing just to stop at the spur of the moment so only my voice would be heard.  He drove me home only once,  I wished it would have lasted forever. He says he wants me but can’t decide.  He’s breaking my heart when he says he does not know.  How can you not believe that we are meant to be?  It isn’t just love.  I promise we do get along.  Same goals,  same life we want to live.  We can make it work. We are meant to be.  I just hope you start to believe it too.